What's this?  
A legendary tale set in times long ago? Sign me up! 

As a lover of many a legend and tale the tone and presentation of the tale truly brings to mind the old forms and feels like the sort of thing that could be slipped into their midst virtually undetected/inseparable from the rest, from the twist death all the way down to the little side stories and events like:

"And she did not crush him, as the Sultan thought she would, for he did not understand her at all, but let him live. And he became a rich man, for he scraped the gilt off his former cage and was able to live off the gold for the rest of his years."

Total. Best.  


Since you asked for a critique, I am sad to say that I have only a few thoughts other than praise, and while the following explanations and examples are long, they are merely examples of what I as a fellow writer might do with such an excellent draft   so in that spirit, I hope the lovely words I've found in this story won't mind letting another writer play with them for a brief moment  


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First I would like to suggest to watch the wordiness/length of the lines. When it comes to old tales and legends, be sure to read the writing out loud and feel how it works on the tongue, given that many are structured as oral (spoken word) stories. If a passage causes stumbling, if there's a desire to breathe anywhere other than where there is punctuation to do so, those are areas which would do well to be hammered out to make smoother and less clunky  If the writer can become their own best editor with a tool as simple as out-loud reading (something even I would sometimes forget to do were it not included on my to-do list, so I can totally understand why other writers might be just as unlikely to do it for one reason or another  ) detecting problems early on and finding ways to deal with them can be made infinitely easier, such as in the case of this line:

"Under such constant guidance, Alya soon was hunting as one of the greatest of the rukk, able to hunt down elephants on the plains or whales in the sea without trouble, until Medina thought that she was ready to show Sultan Abdallah al Hussein the ruuk, and so Medina walked back to his city, Alya flying high overhead or sometimes resting on Medina’s arm."

That's one long sentence, full of several ideas and scenes just begging to be made even stronger and which might read better if rewritten/trimmed in a manner like so:

"Under such constant guidance, Alya soon was hunting as one of the greatest of the rukk. Alya became able to hunt down elephants on the plains or whales in the sea without trouble, until Medina thought that she was ready to show Sultan Abdallah al Hussein the ruuk.

So, with Alya flying high overhead or sometimes resting on Medina’s arm, Medina returned to his city."

I changed very little, a couple words, switched a couple chunks of text around and added a bit of punctuation to break up that long line, but that's about it - the good stuff is already in this draft, which makes me all the happier to work with it  

Specificity, cadence, and simplicity (such as changing from "walked back" to "returned" which not only is a stronger and more descriptive verb, but also keys in on the main point of the line) are key to really hitting that note of tales, fables, and lore. This story really is just that close to being perfect - it kind of has me chomping at the bit to see it rewritten, just taking it from that 90% perfect to 100% would be so worth the effort were it to be done  



Along with the idea of reorganizing/trimming things down at the sentence level, if I could offer a suggestion about paragraphing to even further increase the power of the story even without changing anything on the word-level  

When it comes to large paragraphs, a reader is likely to get exhausted much quicker while reading, and also increases the chances of individual scenes and ideas blurring together. Consider each paragraph as a scene, a moment in time for a reader to focus on. Key details presented in smaller paragraphs are easier to retain and focus on as opposed to running several scenes and details together in a large paragraph.

For an example, I will take this giant paragraph here where a lot of time passes and several events occur:

She climbed the mountains to the aeries of the rukks, and found a hatchling. She named the hatchling rukk Alya.  At first, it was so small as to only be able to eat goats and sheep, and Medina found it hard to pick them up, but Alya grew quickly, and soon was eating horses and camels, and soon after that, Medina began training Alya to hunt, both in the light of day, and at night in their dreams.  Under such constant guidance, Alya soon was hunting as one of the greatest of the rukk, able to hunt down elephants on the plains or whales in the sea without trouble, until Medina thought that she was ready to show Sultan Abdallah al Hussein the ruuk, and so Medina walked back to his city, Alya flying high overhead or sometimes resting on Medina’s arm.  Medina reached the city after a few days walk, threading her way through the narrow streets while people scrambled to get out of the way.  Medina generally was careful not to step on people, unless the Sultan commanded it or they had done something that warranted stepping on, but she enjoyed crunching things underfoot and didn’t need much excuse to crush a market stall into splinters, if it had been set up in an inconvenient spot.  Many stalls had been set up on the main thoroughfare in her absence, and so her approach was heralded by the sound of splintering wood, the heavy drumbeat of her feet, shaking the city, and the clanging of the golden decorations on her clothes, a deep, metallic sound like that of enormous bells.  She continued through the city, until she reached the palace, where people scrambled to clear the courtyard in front of the Sultan’s balcony. 

Whew, that's a lot of heavy lifting all in a single big paragraph!!  But I can see the beauty within it, and with a single tool I'll try to bring out this story's strengths and make them undeniable to anyone who'd read it!  

So here is an example of how one might break up such a large passage, focusing on each scene as time goes by: 

She climbed the mountains to the aeries of the rukks, and found a hatchling. She named the hatchling rukk Alya. (this paragraph focuses on the meeting)

At first, it was so small as to only be able to eat goats and sheep, and Medina found it hard to pick them up, but Alya grew quickly, and soon was eating horses and camels, and soon after that, Medina began training Alya to hunt, both in the light of day, and at night in their dreams. (this paragraph focuses on training and growth)

Under such constant guidance, Alya soon was hunting as one of the greatest of the rukk, able to hunt down elephants on the plains or whales in the sea without trouble, until Medina thought that she was ready to show Sultan Abdallah al Hussein the ruuk, and so Medina walked back to his city, Alya flying high overhead or sometimes resting on Medina’s arm. (this paragraph focuses on the culmination of training and the return journey)

Medina reached the city after a few days walk, threading her way through the narrow streets while people scrambled to get out of the way.  Medina generally was careful not to step on people, unless the Sultan commanded it or they had done something that warranted stepping on, but she enjoyed crunching things underfoot and didn’t need much excuse to crush a market stall into splinters, if it had been set up in an inconvenient spot. (this paragraph focuses on Medina's character and how she acts in a particular situation)


Many stalls had been set up on the main thoroughfare in her absence, and so her approach was heralded by the sound of splintering wood, the heavy drumbeat of her feet, shaking the city, and the clanging of the golden decorations on her clothes, a deep, metallic sound like that of enormous bells.  She continued through the city, until she reached the palace, where people scrambled to clear the courtyard in front of the Sultan’s balcony. (this paragraph focuses on the last of Medina's journey back, adding a vibrant cacophony of sound with he splintering wood and clanging jewelry with an added visual element, before finally arriving back to the Sultan's balcony where the story will continue.)

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Again, all in all I just wanted to show how something as simple as being more mindful/intentional of line and paragraph breaks as a storytelling tool can really increase the power of scenes and stories. Wonderful work - it was an excellent read! I'd certainly be interested in reading this wonderful tale again, regardless of whether it ever gets revised (although I must admit that the relatively small bit of work it would take seems 100% achievable and well worth the time and effort, not to mention how enjoyable it would be to work with a story like this that is working so well already, to me )

Thanks so much for yet another wonderful and inspiring read!